Me in the middle of my worst manic episode just after having Allison
This is a tough topic for me to talk about. It will be my next book someday. I just wanted to share a few thoughts have how difficult it is to be a mother with bipolar disorder and how high the risk is. It is A HUGE RISK. So not joking there. I wish I could tell you all that it was no big deal and everything was a breeze. But it wasn't. It was just the opposite in every way. Our huge blessing though that Allison was a health easy baby girl and that in itself was just wonderful. As for me, I lost my brain entirely within 4 days of having Allie. I didn't know that my family was alive, sometimes I didn't know that I had a child, I stared at the wall day in and day out for months (sometimes I knew what has happening other times totally checked out). The paranoia was extreme. So bad that I don't want to give you all the details...that would take like 200pages! But what I would like to say in short is that it does take a village to raise a child weather you are a normal mom or a mom with a mental illness. I posted part of my village below. Without them all who knows what could have happened. When you are that ill there is no way you can feed a baby and take care of them properly when you don't even know how to put clothes on yourself. My daughter has been asking for a baby sister lately which is hard. I know I can't have another ~ maybe just maybe adoption but we will wait and see what I can handle. It is hard for me to be around moms with 2 or 3 kiddos. It was something I always wanted. But you know I am so so so blessed to be able to have Allison. I did get my brain to come back slowly but I have paid the price with gaining huge anxiety that I had never had before. I hope to someday get rid of it. No matter what though having Allie is the best decision Matt and I ever made and I would go through the hell all over again if asked. My heart goes out to all the mothers out there that have children and deal with any form of mental illness. Blessings, |
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