Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hoping I Don't Join the Zombies

Hoping I don't join the Zombies

I have had a great year. A fantastic year really.  A year full of wonderful family and friends visiting my home.  A year full of helping many people with mental health.  A highlight was being inducted to the Hall of Fame for Sonora High School.  A year of God telling me where to go and when to listen.  Sure there were some hardships.  My husband lost his incredible golf job.  That was rough.  I am not use to seeing him down.  I would much rather be the one with the hardship!  I really had to come up with positive distractions daily to get him through.  My father almost drown and broke his hip on the ranch.  I am so thankful he is on the mend.  I need him around for more years.   As for my daughter's life it was fun to see her loving her first year of school and then start first grade with a lot of confidence.

I have never had such a wonderful pain-free year from Bipolar.

The worst part of the year was just my physical problems.  I am not used to those issues!  I started getting back pain 2 years ago but the pain became just too much last winter.  I started doing physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractor, medicines, ect....  Nothing worked and my pain just got worse.  So much so that the weeds started to grow in my garden, loading the dishwasher was impossible, and trying to get into a got bath was not enjoyable because I couldn't get back out!  Putting on my clothes in the morning was a task.   I decided to go to a specialist to see if there was something they could figure out.  Sure enough they did find the problem.  I have a bone spur that is hitting the nerve on the L4/L5 along with bone on bone junk.  Junk that is what I call the problem!

Anyway I have did all the tests, made all the appointments, have been trying my hardest not to complain of my pain.  I would say my pain is a freaking 10....remember I have a high pain tolerance.  In 1995 I ran a 3.1 mile race on a broken leg and won in Spokane, WA getting ready for nationals.  So when I say my pain is a 10 I am not joking it is crazy intense.  So I have 11 more days until this pain ends!  Which everyone says, "Maggie you are almost there!"  "How wonderful right!"  Yes that is great for the back for sure.  BUT the bigger problem lies ahead.  The recovery.  Again I am not concerned about my back recovery...that will heal.  It is my brain.  Don't forget I have Bipolar.  Bipolar 1 to be exact.  It is very very serious.  Major trauma to the body or life changes cause episodes.  I have tried not to face this truth.  I have been putting it out of my mind all summer and fall.  I like to pretend that I am stronger than Bipolar, that I can control it, that I can tell it not to take my brain away.  But it is there and it can be switched off like a light switch.  It can switch so fast everyone around me even myself don't even realize it until I am gone.  That look in my eyes goes to Zombieland.  It is like the movie Alien.  I get invaded, overrun, and there is not a darn thing I can do but wait until some drug gets me well again.  I talked to Matt last night about it.  He knows how serious this is.  He tried to be positive.  He walked over and hugged me and said it wasn't going to happen this time.  But we both know it can.  We sat and watched my zombie show both knowing I may just be that.  A zombie by Christmas.  As I shuffled my broken body to bed I tried my best to think of my blessings.  Allison was in our bed because she said she wanted to snuggle.  Usually I will take her back to her room but I just let her be.  I felt so safe with Matt on one side and Allie on the other.  With a clear brain I just wanted to enjoy what I had for that moment, my family.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sometimes You need to Check OUT!

Sometimes You need to Check OUT!

I have not been writing since my daughter's school got out.  I have been pretty much checked out from my you tube, twitter, a little on facebook, just a few speeches,  took off from my radio show, and no blogging.  I needed a break from anything to do with mental health stuff.  I was tired of it.  It was getting to me.  Daily stuff all around me...of the words...depression, bipolar, mental, psychiatry, hospitals, ect.  I didn't want to think about any of it.  It was suffocating me.  So I went on a nice long vacation first to Tahoe with Matt and Allie and then later we went to Morro Bay.  My cell phone didn't work in most of those areas and my brain finally really did go quiet.  The need to save everyone died down and I was able to relax and take in my family and not think of anything to do with MENTAL HEALTH!  It was a much needed break.  During that time of rest I did get a call that put an electric charge back in my brain.  It was a charge that I could take and not stop meaning not sleep....which in turn get manic.  It was exciting news and news I am proud to say I didn't lose it.  I got a call from a real agent!  One that wanted to take my book and speaking talent to another level.  It was something I had been dreaming about this past year but didn't think it would actually truly happen.  Ellen Stiefler was very impressed with my book and knew it needed to get out there even more.  It needed to go big and she was the one to take it there.  I googled her of coarse right away and was taken back by her clients. 
Since June she has already come out with a second edition of Runaway Mind and it is already on amazon.  She has taken the stress off me and knows what needs to be done with this project.  She knows how to help large amounts of people that doesn't take lots of stress from my part.  It is very exciting indeed.  I am ready for fall to come, give lots of people hope...and I mean lots, and most of all stay myself and be there for my family 100%.  Hope everyone had a wonderful summer.  Remember it is okay to check out once in a while.  Take Care ~ Maggie

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

~ When a Bad Day Arrives I go to God ~

I have not written on this blog for a couple of months.  I just realized this as I lay in my bed not being able to sleep yet again.  Bipolar is an exhausting illness no matter how hard you fight it.  I feel like I am the star patient at this illness yet it gets me just when I think, I know how to handle this problem!  Today, my husband was able to spend a few hours with me before work.  We had a yummy cup of coffee with me, we went to home depot to get some lattice for some vines, and worked on a retaining wall together.  Then he was off to work and I had to get ready to go run a couple of errands before I picked up my daughter from school.  I got in the car and felt a wave of extreme sadness come over me.  It was so bad I just sat in my car for about ten minutes or so waiting for it to pass.  Then got back out of my car and went in the house drank a glass of water to get my nerve up to go back out of the house.  When this happens it feels like death itself.  The pain that envelopes me seems like it can hardly be possible.  I feel so incredibly alone even though I have so much support.  My mind wonders to dark places in seconds.  Finally when I was able to collect my thoughts I decided to skip the store and just focus on driving to school to pick up my daughter.  It was hard to talk to the moms as my shoulders slumped.  I wanted to lay down and cry and not get back up.  Mind you there was nothing that brought any of this on!  Allie came running to me with a smile and wanted to get lemonade down the street.  So together we walked to get her a cup.  Allie is a smart cookie at five.  She asked, "Mommy are you doing fine?"  "Well I just don't feel to good at the moment," I replied.  Allie then said, "You will be fine when you drink a cup of lemonade!"  So I bought a cup for myself and I must say that did help!  The rest of the day we swam, watched a movie, and went to watch a friends baseball game.  At home I was able to fix dinner well enough and get everything done but by the time bedtime came - sleep was nowhere in sight and my heart is still full of sadness.  I know there will be a better day perhaps as early as tomorrow or the next but when you are in a sad state it is hard to see the next minute.  So this is where for me I rely on prayer.  God is what helps me through these lonely times.  He is always there for me 100%.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Love Baseball!

My family sitting in the Padres dugout!

I love baseball...well maybe not as much as my husband or my best friend Carrie, but I still love it.   From the time I was five years old I played baseball.  No, not softball but baseball.  My mom didn't want to have my brother and I  on two different teams so she stuck us both  in little league. I got the shortstop position by accident.  In practice my Uncle Dick put me there to try me out.  The ball was hit into the air pretty hard and I just happen to put my glove up and the ball smacked in.  It was fun playing with all the boys.  They were all rowdy and rough.  They made me feel the need to prove myself, to be tough, to have courage, to play the game.  As the years went on I hung in there with them.  The more flack I would get from the opposing team about being a girl the better I got at surviving and growing stronger.  In 7th grade my mom gave me a Swatch for every home run.  By the end of the season I had 6 Swatches up my arm.  I got to play on the All Star team with the boys which was very scary but so cool to look back on.  By the time high school came well yes the huge divide happens.  Which yes, that is a good thing!  I then put aside my bat and glove for my spikes and running shoes.  Years later when I met Matt and we moved to San Diego I became a Padre fan.  In 1998 The Pads went to the World Series against the New York Yankees.  Matt went to the game with his cousin BIG John.  They had seats on the field level third base side which were awesome but got even better when BIG John broke the seat and they were moved right behind home plate!  Throughout the years Matt and I have watched lots of ball games in San Diego.  Baseball makes people come alive, have memories and brings a community together.  Last night Matt and I were talking about Spring Training.  "Matt," I said.  "Why on earth did you take us to Spring Training when I was in a full blown manic episode and Allie was 4 months old?!"  "Mag, baseball is relaxing.  I needed an escape from our awful situation.  That weekend gave me a break.  Baseball does that for me!"  Today I couldn't stop thinking about what Matt said.  Yes, baseball is a great escape and yes, it is relaxing!  Go to the ballpark this spring, take in the smells, sights, and PLAY BALL!

My daughter Allie ~ next baseball fan!

Friday, March 23, 2012

A View from my Family~ Dealing with Bipolar Disorder

What is the most difficult part of having a relationship with a family member who is bipolar?

Since I am the one who has this darn illness that is a tough question in every way.  Difficult?  Am I really that difficult?  Well maybe so, but I sure don’t want to be or mean to be.  I don’t want to have those shifty moods, those lows where you want to end your life, or the highs were you might say something you shouldn’t say.  I don’t like that I have this thing called bipolar which I do not have total control over and can never be completely healed.  What I can do is try daily to maintain, to take breaks, take my medications, walk, and pray.  

My name is Maggie Reese.  I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 at 19 years of age.  I was hospitalized twice, put my family through complete hell, and thought I was literally in hell myself!  I went from being a running star, a good student, and a fun loving individual to an awful, mean, scary, and sad girl.  What got me through was my family.  They are incredible!

I have just spent an entire week at the beach with my family.  It was really great, but at the same time hard for me.  Sometimes the stress of everyone together get to be too much and I get a little snappy.  I don’t mean to.  But then again, isn’t that normal behavior, when you are with a group for an entire week?  I was able to have some great conversations with everyone and soak up the sun.  I feel so thankful that we are all still spending time together after all these years and still giving each other support. 

I cornered my brother first.   Tom and I were close growing up.  We were only two years apart.  Sure, we did the fighting as little ones but as we got older we had a good time together.  By high school we had the same friends and were on the same track and cross-country teams.  I loved having my brother around.  We went on all the running trips together to LA and had a blast.  We were both stars and enjoyed our glory.  When I got sick at the University of Idaho everything changed.  I had to quit college and move back home.  I ruined my brother’s senior year of high school with my first manic episode.  He was left to survive that year on his own while my family tried to save my life.  His glory went unnoticed with his amazing sports accomplishments and I even managed to ruin his graduation night.  So my relationship with my brother was lost.  Even as I began to get well it didn’t come back.  Not even an inch.  So here we were at the beach house and I asked him to answer this tough question.  He didn’t want to and brushed me off.  My begging worked.  This is how he responded.
Tom Hurst - Brother
“When she was first diagnosed I didn’t understand the disorder and chose not to deal with it....BIG MISTAKE!  You have to hit the problem head-on and educate yourself as much as you can about the disorder, and constantly work on building a better relationship.”
I cried when I read this.  I still am crying as I write this.  He is coming back to me.  Yes it has been 15 years since high school but I will take these bits of love he is giving out!

Next I sat down with my grandmother.  Grandma Virginia is 93 and is as sharp as a tack.  She doesn’t miss a beat and tells it like it is.  When I was in the middle of my manic episode at nineteen, I remember her saying, “Margaret don’t worry we are going to solve this and you are going to come back.  Now go sit down and eat your dinner. You're too thin!”  She made me feel calm and made me believe that someday I would be happy again.  She gave me hope by being so real in a crisis.  Grandma and I have always been close.  We have been sending letters back and forth since I was little.  We talk about everything.  We tell each other about our gardens, what new recipe we have found, and what great adventures we have been on.  My grandmother has traveled the world.  She is a strong woman.  When she says she is going to do something she does it.  Grandma took me to England when I was 21.  She put the bug in me to see what the world has to offer.  I have seen a lot of the world because of her.  We get each other in every way.  In my only other episode at 30 years of age, Matt and I had met her for breakfast so she could see our baby Allison.  I was completely out of it and she said, “Margaret you need some more pancakes!”  I felt normal for just an instant.  She is amazing.
Virginia Hailey - Grandmother
“Realizing the individual is in charge of their own life and you can be the back-up, but cannot solve the problem.”

Amy Hurst-Kownacki - Sister
“What is the most difficult part of having a relationship with a bipolar sister? My answer would be what is the most difficult part of having a relationship with any family member or someone close?  Yes, my sister is bipolar, but in my eyes she is an amazing person.  Everyday she makes a choice to live a full life.  As her sister there are good times as well as bad.  But the good outweigh everything.  And the bad...well there is really only an occasional bump in the road.  I don’t know any siblings out there that don’t have disagreements.   There are days where I can tell in her voice that she needs extra help or just a hug.  Maybe it is a day spent helping her with errands or cleaning house.  Other days she is at my rescue, picking me up at the airport or taking me to lunch.  I am thankful everyday that my sister is here.  I can’t imagine my life without her by my side, fighting in my corner.  She has amazing strength and courage to face each day.  I embrace and love my sister with my whole heart.  ~ With all my love, Amy”                                                                                                                

My mom has been having a nice week relaxing at the beach house.  I don’t want to bug her with this question so I wait it out to the very last morning to ask her.  Mom has been through so much with me.  It has taken years off her life.  The worry alone has just been a lot for any parent to take.  She got back into art as an outlet.  It started to take her places.  She started to sell.  She got in galleries.  She painted the world.  She went to Italy and came home and started a olive orchard which turned into you guessed it another business - olive oil.  Mom couldn’t stop there and turned her worries into much more. A vineyard, an organic meat company, spices, and lavender have become her passion.  She has taken a rough situation and turned it into magic.  My mom is my hero.  She never lets anything take her down.  She is somebody that I long to be like and try to be as tough as her.  She says I have the courage of a lion.  I think she does.  We are a lot alike, which sometimes makes it hard between us, but yet, we also have that understanding of no matter how hard it gets we are there for each other 100%.  Mom is somebody that knows how hard it is to have bipolar 1.  She knows how hard I work everyday to stay well.  She knows I try to hide my awful thoughts.  She gets it.  I love her for that.
Leslie Hurst - Mother
“What is the hardest part?  I suppose its stopping myself from helping too much, stopping myself from expecting too little, and stopping myself from interfering in Maggie’s life.  I know all of these three things come from, #1 the guilt I feel at having passed her the gene for Bipolar, #2 the fact that to keep her alive and   #3 move her forward in her life - I had to do those three things 24/7.  When she was sick - I had to help - I had to lower my expectations and I had to interfere in her life.   As she began to recover and as I began to let go, I think she was way more successful in her job than I was in my job.  In fact for many years I just tried to fill up my life with work so I wouldn’t be able to drop everything and come.  I probably overdid it too!  But I think I have come to a balance at last.  I can help when I am needed, I expect all the world for her and I don’t interfere in her life.  She is strong, independent, funny, and has a true desire to help others who are bipolar. How proud of her I am!”

My dad is real in every sense of the word.  No matter how bad a situation is it doesn’t break him.  He fights to the end of every crisis whether it is a business deal or a family matter.  He doesn’t quit until the problem is resolved.  He just had his 68th birthday here at the beach house.  Dad didn’t want gifts, cards, or special treatment.  What he did like was a day with his family sitting in the sand, riding the Belmont roller-coaster, and riding the bumper cars with his granddaughter.  Simple but perfect in every way.  In high school I use to cry and tell dad I didn’t have any talents. “Margaret when are you going to learn that everyone has a talent you just have to figure what yours is and then excel at that!”  I would listen for maybe a few minutes and then forget about this great advice of his and pout my way through high school even though I was very successful!  My dad chased me down for months all through my manic episode at nineteen at all hours of the day and night.  He believed in me even though I was so awful and mean.  He stayed strong and he eventually waited me out.  I came back one day and there he was waiting with open arms.  He fixes problems.  He fixed me!  He taught me to rely on the “Big Chief,” the man upstairs, God.  It took me awhile to believe that he was right.  But when I had my really terrible episode  after having my daughter Allie, I had no choice but to believe in a higher power!  God was there for me 100%.  I gave up trying to control everything and gave my worry to God.  My dad was right all these years.  He is awesome.
Joe Hurst - Father
“You must not take what they say personally.  It’s not their fault - you need to help them get through the bad times with compassion and firmness.  It is a very delicate balance to find.  So it is your job to protect them with firmness but give them the love they require.  It most always requires faith in a higher power than yourself.”

My daughter is the reason I want to stay well.  She makes me want to get up everyday and fight for my life.  I want to show her how to have courage, how to love, how to cook, be kind to others, and have a close relationship with God.  I love teaching her about life in every way.  We swim, we look for bugs, we get dirty in the garden, we fish, she helps water my mini vineyard, and she and I have great tickle wars.  I love her to pieces.  I never want to be sick again.  I don’t want to miss a moment of her life.  I will do anything I can to stay well to watch her grow into a wonderful young woman.
Allison Isabelle Reese - daughter 4 years old
“I love my mom....that is all...okay!”

It has been a few days since we have left our family beach vacation.  I am still waiting for Matt’s reply.  Matt is my husband.  He met me when I was 19.  He was hired as my bodyguard when I was completely out of control.  My parents were worn out from me going 100 miles an hour 24/7.  Matt is the love of my life.  I can’t get enough of him.  We have been married for 9 years but have been together for 15 years now.  He put up with me during my episode at 19.  He took my collect calls from Stanford Psychiatric ward.  When I got out he was there to take me on my first date in San Francisco.  He has been there through my depressions, through my manic highs, and again for the worst time of my life after giving birth to our daughter Allison.  I thought he was dead for six weeks after we had our baby girl.  He stayed strong.  He fed me, he changed the sheets because I sweated through them or peed the bed and bathed me.  More importantly he took care of our new baby for the first nine months day and night with no help from me.  I was severely ill.  He took care of not only a new baby but a very sick wife.  He in amazing.  I love him with all my heart.  He is my everything.
Matt Reese - Husband
“Knowing that things don’t change quickly.  When Maggie is anxious it lasts for weeks and months.  Manic spring energy is several months and the holiday depression lasts awhile too.  None of this can be remedied in a day or a week.  It takes time, medicine, a support system, rest, and patience.”
 After reading his response I responded, "Matt couldn't you put some mushy stuff in there!"   Matt's reply was simply, "Really, Mag, you know me better than that!"  He was right....I had to laugh.  He wasn't about to say something that wasn't him!

Even after all these years, I am very hard on myself for the damage I have done to each family member.  It runs deep in my veins.  The sadness that I have caused, the destruction I have left in my wake, and the years I have taken away from each one of them.  But at the same time, I am working towards forgiving myself.

Family is important.  It is key for me to have them on my side, helping me through thick and thin.  I am alive because they have all sacrificed for me to be here.  I can’t thank them enough.

Maggie Reese
Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Mother, Wife, and Author of Runaway Mind

Friday, March 2, 2012

I Didn't win THE GOLD ~ But something much more important ~

Photograph taken for the Moscow Paper ~ The last for my sports career

Yes it may seem odd that I am writing about sports.  I can't sleep with a darn with my mind racing in a million different directions.  I just finished the movie Moneyball.  If you have not seen it ~ trust me watch.  It is a movie about heart, a different belief system, how to think outside the box, how to win without all the money!  I really thought my life was going to be about winning the gold medal, yes in the Olympics...where else and getting all the money!  I used to write in my journal late every night on how I was going to get there, which school I might sign with, then yes making it to the last level ~ THE GOLD.  Well as you well know I didn't get anywhere close to that dream.  It was crushed by a little thing called Bipolar.  I didn't sign up for this life!  The one of stress, worry, crying daily, feeling like I am on speed, then the next moment wanting to end it all.  Yes I got the gold prize for winning Bipolar 1 - yes the severe kind.  Who knew though that by winning this illness I would WIN the lottery of all time...my husband Matt, my daughter Allie, and a relationship with Christ.  That my friends is better than any gold medal hanging in a case.  I will keep helping others with this rotten illness because I want to WIN this battle.  I want to conquer and crush it.  I want the rest of America to accept it and not fear it.  So with all the sports stuff way down deep inside me I will run faster in that last 100 meters cross the tape once again but not on the track ~ but one of beating this stigma.  I will raise the bar to new heights. Watch out America here I come!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

YES BABY! I got Andy Behrman Author of Electroboy to be on my show March 10!! Sweetness

Andy Behrman ~ Author of Electroboy

I must say that I am very excited about what is happening in my life right now!  Starting a radio show last month was just wild, scary, and fun all at the same time.  I know I have a lot to learn to be a pro~ But I love the new challenge.  It is doing something that I have never done before and never dreamed of doing.  For my second guest I wanted to go big.  My switch board operator and also a radio host, Cliff Zier from New York was like, "Maggie you have to get Andy Behrman!"  So okay I thought to myself I will look him up.  Well man who knew he was like crazy famous. Like I could get him to come on my new show right!  But then I thought well why the heck not!  So I fired off a short e-mail the best I could AND you know what he liked my honesty and called me back in like a minute!  Andy is a brilliant man with so much talent it could make your head spin like a million times until you pass out!  I could understand every chapter why he choose the things he did.  I cried throughout the book because I get his pain in so many ways.  Sure his book is a wild entertaining ride but so much more....it shows the depths of his despair and how hard he worked to get back to being well.  I am in awe of his willing to never give up on trying to seek treatment.  So now the challenge to HAVE fun interviewing him and get him to laugh!  I think I could do that.  Please tune in people it is going to be off the charts AWESOME. Oh, one more thing go buy his book...you will love it!  Wait more thing to the negative people out there on his book~obviously you didn't get it.  He is incredible, he wants to help people, and is a WINNER in my book! Below is the info:  Remember it is at 6pm not (5pm) PST

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/ndbmedia/2012/03/10/runaway-mind--electroboy ~ The Show is at 6pm (Not 5pm like site says!) PST. It is going to be an AWESOME SHOW....call in!

Andy Behrman is the author of ldquoElectroboy A Memoir of Maniardquo published by Random House. His book has been translated into seven languages. He is a mental health advocate and speaker who promotes mental health awareness and suicide prevention speaking to college audiences mental health care p...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Just another peek of my next book...

I took this picture because I had forgotten that I had a baby ~ This happened every day

Mind Gone
The next day Matt went out to golf with his father, uncle, and cousin to celabrate in Coronado.  By mid day I had lost my mind entirely.  “Mom, Matt has died.  I am finished without him,” I cried.  “Maggie honey what are you talking about?”  “He is golfing, he is fine,” she said worried.  “No mom I know he is dead.  You don’t know what I see.”  I went on like this for a what seemed liked eternity.  She called Matt and reported the horrible news.  “Matt get home right now.  Maggie very sick and we need to get her help right away.”  Mom called my psychiatarist but it was the weekend.  There was only an anwering machine.  I was getting worse by the second.  I was in a complete pyschosis.  I can’t tell you how scary it is to think things are really happening but they are not.  It makes my first episode back in 1996 look like a cakewalk.   I thought there was an ambulance on it’s way to pick up Matt’s dead body.  I heard the sirens blaring in the distance as my mom kept trying to shake me out of my shocking state.  I didn’t hear a thing she said though and only looked down seeing Matt’s motionless body before me.  I thought nothing that I had a baby girl in the next room sleeping peacefully and that things really were alright.  To me life was over.  I had just lost the love of my life, my everything.  I then looked up and saw the fire trucks outside and the paramedics rushing up to my home and pushing by my mother to Matt’s body.  They put him on a strecher and some how got him breathing.  Which was impossible because he had been dead at least five minutes.  “Mom,” I screamed.  “I have to follow them.”  “Mags,” she pleaded with me. “There is nobody there.  Trust me honey everything is alright.  Nobody is dead.   You are with me and Allison your baby girl.”  I heard none of it.  I just kept on going into this deep dark pychosis that I now was trapped in and only saw what my brain was making up.  I heard the ambulance pulling away with Matt and the sirens fade.  

I want a nothing box! Is that too much to ask?

Matt in his NOTHING BOX!

Tonight is one of those nights where my brain is racing like 200 miles an hour.   Don't worry people I haven't skipped days of medication or changed anything for that matter.  My brain is just on speed mode.  Yes I must admit I like it when I am like this during the day because I get a ton done.  More than most if I am honest.  As for the down side though I can't get it to quiet at night.  I just took sleeping meds.  So far no luck.  If feels like I could go on a 10 mile run, come back scrub the entire house, weed the yard, cook a feast, well do anything for that matter.  Stop ~ don't worry I will do none of the above.  I know that is the mania part of my brain just talking away.  It would be nice to have a nothing box.  Where my brain would just relax and not think of anything for like a single moment.  My best friend Carrie always jokes about a nothing box.  I WANT THAT!  Can I buy one somewhere.  That would be nice.  How much do they cost?  Oh, silly me they are not real or maybe they are?  I can hear Matt snoring away.  He must have a awesome nothing box.  I think he goes there while he zones out to a great baseball game, golf match, or his San Diego State Aztecs.  I just sit on the couch for seconds then off doing something always something when I am in this mode.  My jaw feels tense, my insides feel like I am on the starting line for a big race, my eyes move too quickly, I talk way too much and read too much.  I know it is draining on my body.  It wears it out.  I know all of this.  But how can I make it stop?  So far in my 16 years of dealing with Bipolar... it just doesn't stop.  I have to adjust.  ADJUST ~  the word of my life.  I am always having to adjust ~ like daily.  At 36 I feel like I have lived a number of lives already with all that I have done.  Matt wants me to rest more.  How do I do that?  REST.  Matt give me that NOTHING BOX!  Now I am going to bed and try try try to sleep.

Friday, February 10, 2012

We need to finish our Race ~

Finish Chelsea's Run ~

So today I absolutely hate to admit it but I am very sad.  I just woke up feeling awful.  I couldn't hardly get my clothes on or brush my teeth.  As for a positive I got Allie's hair all cute, she dressed herself, I feed her a good breakfast, made her lunch and took her to school.  She was happy as can be.  So that was nice.  As I drove home the tears started to fall and then really bad as I walked in the door.  Now for for those that don't have Bipolar one might ask, "What happened? Why are you so sad?"  I wish I had a reason.  It is the nature of the illness.  The reason is that my brain is off, the chemicals are not lining up quite right, and therefore my mood shifts to a dark sad awful spot.  So when it does this to me which is a lot if I am telling the entire truth here I try to look at the light.  I try to find the light.  My positive thought was looking at this picture.  My sister sent it to me last night.  It is a 5k that I ran with my good friend Cheralynn (she is in the pic to the left).  The race was Finish Chelsea's Run.  Chelsea King was a high school runner at Poway High School and was murdered while training out on a near by trail.  When the news broke 2 years ago that Chelsea went missing it hit home to everyone in San Diego.  Everyone wanted to find her.  For me being a former runner I was devastated by the outcome.  This beautiful girl named Chelsea King didn't get to finish her race.  She had her entire life ahead of her and it was taken from a monster that had no remorse.  People started a foundation, her parents went all the way to the White House to get laws changed, and a race was born to finish Chelsea's run.  My sister was sent an e-mail since her and I raced in it last year and my pic was on the advertisement!  So I will sign up again and go run for Chelsea once again and finish her race and keep fighting to win my own race.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Being a MOM the Hardest JOB but the most Rewarding!

Allie and I at the beach this last weekend!

So yesterday I was feeling a little sorry for myself (You can watch me silly you tube video if you want to see that mess).  But then I woke today I was LIKE ~ WOW I am a mom and that if a miracle in itself!
I was told at the young age of 19 from my first Psychiatrist that I would never have children or have a normal life.  Well let me tell you I am not one to have... 1. PEOPLE tell me what I can or can't do 2. Not be able to have a NORMAL life  3. I like to WIN!  I seriously can't help it.  Yes, maybe my sports day are long gone but I have a new goal to win at and have had for 16 years.  I try daily to win at staying healthy.  I do this for my husband, for my five year old daughter Allie, for my family, for my friends, and  ME!  If I don't work hard at it I will lie down and slowly fade away into the background with sadness nobody can begin to understand unless you have been there.  Matt went out in the back yard with Allie yesterday and they practiced softball.  They kept yelling at me to get out there and help.  My legs felt as if they had weights on them.  I dragged myself out there though ~ and pushed the bad feeling out with all my might.  I beat those bad thoughts once again.  Remember it is a daily battle.  You must fight every day and never give up.  Hugs to all Bipolar people and family members.  KEEP Winning your race!
Allie on It's A Small World After All with daddy

My sis Amy in her United Airlines suit ~ she had Allie one made!

My Mom and Allie ~ Thanksgiving at the Del in Coronado

Our dog Jackson's last day at the beach ~ he died from cancer at the young age of 8 RIP JACKSON!

MOMS UNITE ~  Tara ~all we do is laugh...always fun to have around!

My husband ~ BODYGUARD Matt.  I love him to pieces.

God Bless, 

Monday, February 6, 2012

My First Radio Show as a HOST! AHHHHH

 Guest ~ The Third Sunrise - Natalie Jeanne Champagne

Blog Talk Radio With Maggie Reese ~ The Runaway Mind Show!

So today I wanted to talk about my new radio show ~ Runaway Mind!  Yes ~  you like how I stay with my book title for everything....my brand baby.  It was so crazy different for me to be a host.  All my life from athletic interviews to now being interviewed for mental health magazines, newspaper articles, and radio shows I have always been the person that is a pro on answering peoples questions.  It is comes easy to me.  I have found an entire new challenge.  Being a host of a radio program.  Wow ~  I can't tell you how difficult it is.  I know I have so much to learn but if I am being honest I like to have a kind of scary challenge to keep me on my toes and learning.  It keeps my brain alive and happy.  When ever I have been scared of something I know that I need to jump in with both feet and run with it.  Natalie was my first guest for my Runaway Mind Show.  She did great talking about her story and made me feel more at ease as we went along.  I did say UMMMM way to many times but hey I can't be perfect right off the bad.  I will now be listening to talk show radio hosts daily to see how the pros do it and get tips.  There are so many things I need to work on and learn but can't wait to figure it all out and have a polished show!  If you would like to listen to Natalie and I check us out below.  She is like my BP sister.

Check out my show Runaway Mind with Maggie Reese tomorrow! Feb 4.
My guest Natalie Jean Champagne author of The Third Sunrise ~ has an incredible story to share~ Listen in at 6pm PST 9pm EST.

Natalie Jeanne Champagne is the author of The Third Sunrise . At the age of twenty-six after many years struggling with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder at the Feb 04

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A lot can happen in a YEAR!

My family and my award for National Alliance of Mentally Ill Young Advocate of the Year ~ San Diego

Speech for The International Bipolar Foundation and Book Signing

Speech for the Rancho Bernardo Rotary   

A year ago I went to my first event for my book.  It was for authors that published a book in San Diego.  They had all the books on display in the downtown San Diego Library.  I was so excited!  My book was going to be somewhere where people could actually look at it and my name would be kind of out there for the first time.  I made me nervous too.  There I would be telling the world that I have bipolar and how I am dealing with it.  As 2011 progressed I had no idea what was in store for me.  I ended up doing 15 speeches throughout San Diego, 2 NAMI walks, a book signing at the famous Warwicks Bookstore  in La Jolla,  a keynote speaker for Tri-City Medical Center, asked to be on the executive board of The International Bipolar Foundation, won the Young Advocate of the Year for The National Alliance of Mentally Ill, was on 2 different radio programs for the book, attended the Choice Awards in Hollywood, and then asked if I would like to have my own radio program on Blog Talk Radio.  It has been one amazing journey.  If someone asked me what did you like best about last year I would have to say it is incredible when someone comes up to you crying, hugging you, saying that my book saved their daughter's life.  That's it! That made my entire year.  
 So now off to my next challenge.  The Blog Talk Radio.  I have my first guest this weekend.  I read Natalie's book the past couple of days.  It took me a long time because I cried my way through it and it is hard for me to concentrate right now.  I loved it though.  Every page.  She is honest, connects with the readers in every way imaginable, and taught me so much of how difficult it is to have a drug addiction along with bipolar.  I have never understood drug addiction until reading this book.  If your loved one is addict along with bipolar I encourage you to read this book when it comes out in May.  I hope you all listen in on Saturday night!  I will put the link below.

Website: www.thethirdsunrise.com

Natalie Jeanne Champagne is the author of The Third Sunrise. At the age of twenty-six, after many years struggling with a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder at the age of twelve, addictions and disordered eating, she walked the road less traveled and somehow found her way home. Natalie regularly contributes to mental health and addictions publications and is an advocate for mental health. She currently lives in British Columbia, Canada. The Third Sunrise is her first book.

I am so excited to share with all of you I will be interviewing Natalie Jeanne Champagne Feb. 4th on Blog Talk Radio. I will provide all the info and link so you can listen it! Incredible story she has to tell.

The Third Sunrise - A book by Natalie Jeanne Champagne.