Sunday, April 21, 2013

My 48 Hour Show ~ Maybe Not the Best Idea

It's 9:48 on a Sunday night and the tears are coming down my face like a waterfall.   I am tired. By tired I mean totally mentally exhausted.   I just put on a 48 hour show for my husband and child.  Provided them with laughter, good food, love, kindness, got everyone to church....pretty much the works.   I am a total over achiever I know this.  So when it comes to being a wife and mom I go overboard trying to be the best at both.  So I do get myself in trouble.  I over do it in every way.  I don't know how to balance though.  NEVER HAVE.  I don't just clean one room I clean the entire house top to bottom.

Now everyone is in bed all tucked in and happily sleeping.  I envy both of them.  I meanwhile sit here totally alone in my dark mad mind with feelings of loss and no hope for relief.  I think of death even though I don't want to.  I can feel the pain creeping throughout my veins.  I feel the worlds weight on my shoulders.  I put on too many smiles this weekend.  The pain is so much that if feels like somebody is twisting a knife deep into my back and is killing me slowly.  I know that tomorrow is a new day and it may bring relief but as of right now that seems like an impossible place to get to.  I hate having to do battle every day.  I hate having to pretend that I am just great so everyone can breathe easier around me.  I hate having to put on a show what seems like daily.  If I were to show what really goes on in my brain I would have nothing.  I would probably never get out of my bed, eat, talk, pretty much function in general.  AND so I have no choice to fight which really sucks.

I talked to my mom on the phone earlier.  I told her about all my projects that I had been up too.  I think she can tell I am in immense pain.  I can tell by her voice.  The more I talk about my busy life the quieter she gets and tries to get off the phone.  I don't tell her how bad I have been feeling because why burden her with my mind.  She knows.  That is why she has five different business she runs.  To keep her brain busy so she doesn't worry herself to death over me.  Sad but true.

My husband got into bed tonight and didn't say much.  Usually we talk a little before we fall asleep.  I tried but he said he was too tired.  I told him I didn't feel good.  He said he didn't have time for a bad night and feel fast asleep.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to have time to deal with me either.

In church our pastor talked about that we must endure what pain, challenges, and obstacles that come along in life.  We must look to God during these times.  We must hold out and have more faith than ever.  So right now more than ever I need to remember this lesson I was reminded of today.  I must look to God in the depths of my despair.  Without Him I am lost and having nothing.  But with Him I have a place in Heaven where I will someday have peace.  So that is a battle worth fighting for.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Matt told me the other day that I am the strongest person that he knew.  I sure didn't feel like it.  Inside I felt so weak, tired of my brain on over drive, tired of making everyone around me feel good.  I am really good at that one.  Making others laugh and helping others feel fantastic.  I guess it is apart of me.   I have been told that I am a strong person so many times it makes my silly head spin.  See with Bipolar your brain says daily that you are nothing, a loser, that you are worthless.  For someone that doesn't have this illness this is very hard to understand. When you have it though you get this right away.  We think sad thoughts too much even though we would give anything to just have a clear head.  I must say I do love my highs though!  I guess there are positives.  I just need to remember them.  With my energy I can accomplish a lot and create some pretty cool stuff when I am up.  

Bipolar is such a strange illness. It is so complex and so difficult to understand.  It never goes away no matter how hard you try to run from it.  I use to think if I moved to a different town I would leave my illness there.  I would fantasize that I would have a fresh start and no longer be drained from my brain.  But each time I would settle in to my new place my thoughts would surround me with awful ones or on the other side of the spectrum my brain would be going so fast I couldn't make sense of what was going on.  That is when I would find my self getting extremely angry over something and blow up like a firework.  Unfortunately at 37 I still have both extremes of the lows and highs but the good thing is I know how to manage them.  Of coarse every now and then I scream at someone usually somebody close to me which makes it all the more worse.  The hard part is asking for forgiveness!  So hard to realize when you are in the wrong.

So driving home today from dropping off my daughter I thought to myself SO I AM STRONG!  I am a fighter.  A survivor.  I just have to keep telling myself this every day.  I have to remind my brain that I am worth being here.  Say it out loud today.  Yell it to the world that you belong here and are strong.  Keep fighting the fight.  

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hoping I Don't Join the Zombies

Hoping I don't join the Zombies

I have had a great year. A fantastic year really.  A year full of wonderful family and friends visiting my home.  A year full of helping many people with mental health.  A highlight was being inducted to the Hall of Fame for Sonora High School.  A year of God telling me where to go and when to listen.  Sure there were some hardships.  My husband lost his incredible golf job.  That was rough.  I am not use to seeing him down.  I would much rather be the one with the hardship!  I really had to come up with positive distractions daily to get him through.  My father almost drown and broke his hip on the ranch.  I am so thankful he is on the mend.  I need him around for more years.   As for my daughter's life it was fun to see her loving her first year of school and then start first grade with a lot of confidence.

I have never had such a wonderful pain-free year from Bipolar.

The worst part of the year was just my physical problems.  I am not used to those issues!  I started getting back pain 2 years ago but the pain became just too much last winter.  I started doing physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractor, medicines, ect....  Nothing worked and my pain just got worse.  So much so that the weeds started to grow in my garden, loading the dishwasher was impossible, and trying to get into a got bath was not enjoyable because I couldn't get back out!  Putting on my clothes in the morning was a task.   I decided to go to a specialist to see if there was something they could figure out.  Sure enough they did find the problem.  I have a bone spur that is hitting the nerve on the L4/L5 along with bone on bone junk.  Junk that is what I call the problem!

Anyway I have did all the tests, made all the appointments, have been trying my hardest not to complain of my pain.  I would say my pain is a freaking 10....remember I have a high pain tolerance.  In 1995 I ran a 3.1 mile race on a broken leg and won in Spokane, WA getting ready for nationals.  So when I say my pain is a 10 I am not joking it is crazy intense.  So I have 11 more days until this pain ends!  Which everyone says, "Maggie you are almost there!"  "How wonderful right!"  Yes that is great for the back for sure.  BUT the bigger problem lies ahead.  The recovery.  Again I am not concerned about my back recovery...that will heal.  It is my brain.  Don't forget I have Bipolar.  Bipolar 1 to be exact.  It is very very serious.  Major trauma to the body or life changes cause episodes.  I have tried not to face this truth.  I have been putting it out of my mind all summer and fall.  I like to pretend that I am stronger than Bipolar, that I can control it, that I can tell it not to take my brain away.  But it is there and it can be switched off like a light switch.  It can switch so fast everyone around me even myself don't even realize it until I am gone.  That look in my eyes goes to Zombieland.  It is like the movie Alien.  I get invaded, overrun, and there is not a darn thing I can do but wait until some drug gets me well again.  I talked to Matt last night about it.  He knows how serious this is.  He tried to be positive.  He walked over and hugged me and said it wasn't going to happen this time.  But we both know it can.  We sat and watched my zombie show both knowing I may just be that.  A zombie by Christmas.  As I shuffled my broken body to bed I tried my best to think of my blessings.  Allison was in our bed because she said she wanted to snuggle.  Usually I will take her back to her room but I just let her be.  I felt so safe with Matt on one side and Allie on the other.  With a clear brain I just wanted to enjoy what I had for that moment, my family.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sometimes You need to Check OUT!

Sometimes You need to Check OUT!

I have not been writing since my daughter's school got out.  I have been pretty much checked out from my you tube, twitter, a little on facebook, just a few speeches,  took off from my radio show, and no blogging.  I needed a break from anything to do with mental health stuff.  I was tired of it.  It was getting to me.  Daily stuff all around me...of the words...depression, bipolar, mental, psychiatry, hospitals, ect.  I didn't want to think about any of it.  It was suffocating me.  So I went on a nice long vacation first to Tahoe with Matt and Allie and then later we went to Morro Bay.  My cell phone didn't work in most of those areas and my brain finally really did go quiet.  The need to save everyone died down and I was able to relax and take in my family and not think of anything to do with MENTAL HEALTH!  It was a much needed break.  During that time of rest I did get a call that put an electric charge back in my brain.  It was a charge that I could take and not stop meaning not sleep....which in turn get manic.  It was exciting news and news I am proud to say I didn't lose it.  I got a call from a real agent!  One that wanted to take my book and speaking talent to another level.  It was something I had been dreaming about this past year but didn't think it would actually truly happen.  Ellen Stiefler was very impressed with my book and knew it needed to get out there even more.  It needed to go big and she was the one to take it there.  I googled her of coarse right away and was taken back by her clients. 
Since June she has already come out with a second edition of Runaway Mind and it is already on amazon.  She has taken the stress off me and knows what needs to be done with this project.  She knows how to help large amounts of people that doesn't take lots of stress from my part.  It is very exciting indeed.  I am ready for fall to come, give lots of people hope...and I mean lots, and most of all stay myself and be there for my family 100%.  Hope everyone had a wonderful summer.  Remember it is okay to check out once in a while.  Take Care ~ Maggie

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

~ When a Bad Day Arrives I go to God ~

I have not written on this blog for a couple of months.  I just realized this as I lay in my bed not being able to sleep yet again.  Bipolar is an exhausting illness no matter how hard you fight it.  I feel like I am the star patient at this illness yet it gets me just when I think, I know how to handle this problem!  Today, my husband was able to spend a few hours with me before work.  We had a yummy cup of coffee with me, we went to home depot to get some lattice for some vines, and worked on a retaining wall together.  Then he was off to work and I had to get ready to go run a couple of errands before I picked up my daughter from school.  I got in the car and felt a wave of extreme sadness come over me.  It was so bad I just sat in my car for about ten minutes or so waiting for it to pass.  Then got back out of my car and went in the house drank a glass of water to get my nerve up to go back out of the house.  When this happens it feels like death itself.  The pain that envelopes me seems like it can hardly be possible.  I feel so incredibly alone even though I have so much support.  My mind wonders to dark places in seconds.  Finally when I was able to collect my thoughts I decided to skip the store and just focus on driving to school to pick up my daughter.  It was hard to talk to the moms as my shoulders slumped.  I wanted to lay down and cry and not get back up.  Mind you there was nothing that brought any of this on!  Allie came running to me with a smile and wanted to get lemonade down the street.  So together we walked to get her a cup.  Allie is a smart cookie at five.  She asked, "Mommy are you doing fine?"  "Well I just don't feel to good at the moment," I replied.  Allie then said, "You will be fine when you drink a cup of lemonade!"  So I bought a cup for myself and I must say that did help!  The rest of the day we swam, watched a movie, and went to watch a friends baseball game.  At home I was able to fix dinner well enough and get everything done but by the time bedtime came - sleep was nowhere in sight and my heart is still full of sadness.  I know there will be a better day perhaps as early as tomorrow or the next but when you are in a sad state it is hard to see the next minute.  So this is where for me I rely on prayer.  God is what helps me through these lonely times.  He is always there for me 100%.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Love Baseball!

My family sitting in the Padres dugout!

I love baseball...well maybe not as much as my husband or my best friend Carrie, but I still love it.   From the time I was five years old I played baseball.  No, not softball but baseball.  My mom didn't want to have my brother and I  on two different teams so she stuck us both  in little league. I got the shortstop position by accident.  In practice my Uncle Dick put me there to try me out.  The ball was hit into the air pretty hard and I just happen to put my glove up and the ball smacked in.  It was fun playing with all the boys.  They were all rowdy and rough.  They made me feel the need to prove myself, to be tough, to have courage, to play the game.  As the years went on I hung in there with them.  The more flack I would get from the opposing team about being a girl the better I got at surviving and growing stronger.  In 7th grade my mom gave me a Swatch for every home run.  By the end of the season I had 6 Swatches up my arm.  I got to play on the All Star team with the boys which was very scary but so cool to look back on.  By the time high school came well yes the huge divide happens.  Which yes, that is a good thing!  I then put aside my bat and glove for my spikes and running shoes.  Years later when I met Matt and we moved to San Diego I became a Padre fan.  In 1998 The Pads went to the World Series against the New York Yankees.  Matt went to the game with his cousin BIG John.  They had seats on the field level third base side which were awesome but got even better when BIG John broke the seat and they were moved right behind home plate!  Throughout the years Matt and I have watched lots of ball games in San Diego.  Baseball makes people come alive, have memories and brings a community together.  Last night Matt and I were talking about Spring Training.  "Matt," I said.  "Why on earth did you take us to Spring Training when I was in a full blown manic episode and Allie was 4 months old?!"  "Mag, baseball is relaxing.  I needed an escape from our awful situation.  That weekend gave me a break.  Baseball does that for me!"  Today I couldn't stop thinking about what Matt said.  Yes, baseball is a great escape and yes, it is relaxing!  Go to the ballpark this spring, take in the smells, sights, and PLAY BALL!

My daughter Allie ~ next baseball fan!