Tuesday, May 15, 2012

~ When a Bad Day Arrives I go to God ~

I have not written on this blog for a couple of months.  I just realized this as I lay in my bed not being able to sleep yet again.  Bipolar is an exhausting illness no matter how hard you fight it.  I feel like I am the star patient at this illness yet it gets me just when I think, I know how to handle this problem!  Today, my husband was able to spend a few hours with me before work.  We had a yummy cup of coffee with me, we went to home depot to get some lattice for some vines, and worked on a retaining wall together.  Then he was off to work and I had to get ready to go run a couple of errands before I picked up my daughter from school.  I got in the car and felt a wave of extreme sadness come over me.  It was so bad I just sat in my car for about ten minutes or so waiting for it to pass.  Then got back out of my car and went in the house drank a glass of water to get my nerve up to go back out of the house.  When this happens it feels like death itself.  The pain that envelopes me seems like it can hardly be possible.  I feel so incredibly alone even though I have so much support.  My mind wonders to dark places in seconds.  Finally when I was able to collect my thoughts I decided to skip the store and just focus on driving to school to pick up my daughter.  It was hard to talk to the moms as my shoulders slumped.  I wanted to lay down and cry and not get back up.  Mind you there was nothing that brought any of this on!  Allie came running to me with a smile and wanted to get lemonade down the street.  So together we walked to get her a cup.  Allie is a smart cookie at five.  She asked, "Mommy are you doing fine?"  "Well I just don't feel to good at the moment," I replied.  Allie then said, "You will be fine when you drink a cup of lemonade!"  So I bought a cup for myself and I must say that did help!  The rest of the day we swam, watched a movie, and went to watch a friends baseball game.  At home I was able to fix dinner well enough and get everything done but by the time bedtime came - sleep was nowhere in sight and my heart is still full of sadness.  I know there will be a better day perhaps as early as tomorrow or the next but when you are in a sad state it is hard to see the next minute.  So this is where for me I rely on prayer.  God is what helps me through these lonely times.  He is always there for me 100%.