Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Matt told me the other day that I am the strongest person that he knew. I sure didn't feel like it. Inside I felt so weak, tired of my brain on over drive, tired of making everyone around me feel good. I am really good at that one. Making others laugh and helping others feel fantastic. I guess it is apart of me. I have been told that I am a strong person so many times it makes my silly head spin. See with Bipolar your brain says daily that you are nothing, a loser, that you are worthless. For someone that doesn't have this illness this is very hard to understand. When you have it though you get this right away. We think sad thoughts too much even though we would give anything to just have a clear head. I must say I do love my highs though! I guess there are positives. I just need to remember them. With my energy I can accomplish a lot and create some pretty cool stuff when I am up.
Bipolar is such a strange illness. It is so complex and so difficult to understand. It never goes away no matter how hard you try to run from it. I use to think if I moved to a different town I would leave my illness there. I would fantasize that I would have a fresh start and no longer be drained from my brain. But each time I would settle in to my new place my thoughts would surround me with awful ones or on the other side of the spectrum my brain would be going so fast I couldn't make sense of what was going on. That is when I would find my self getting extremely angry over something and blow up like a firework. Unfortunately at 37 I still have both extremes of the lows and highs but the good thing is I know how to manage them. Of coarse every now and then I scream at someone usually somebody close to me which makes it all the more worse. The hard part is asking for forgiveness! So hard to realize when you are in the wrong.
So driving home today from dropping off my daughter I thought to myself SO I AM STRONG! I am a fighter. A survivor. I just have to keep telling myself this every day. I have to remind my brain that I am worth being here. Say it out loud today. Yell it to the world that you belong here and are strong. Keep fighting the fight.