Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Hoping I Don't Join the Zombies

Hoping I don't join the Zombies

I have had a great year. A fantastic year really.  A year full of wonderful family and friends visiting my home.  A year full of helping many people with mental health.  A highlight was being inducted to the Hall of Fame for Sonora High School.  A year of God telling me where to go and when to listen.  Sure there were some hardships.  My husband lost his incredible golf job.  That was rough.  I am not use to seeing him down.  I would much rather be the one with the hardship!  I really had to come up with positive distractions daily to get him through.  My father almost drown and broke his hip on the ranch.  I am so thankful he is on the mend.  I need him around for more years.   As for my daughter's life it was fun to see her loving her first year of school and then start first grade with a lot of confidence.

I have never had such a wonderful pain-free year from Bipolar.

The worst part of the year was just my physical problems.  I am not used to those issues!  I started getting back pain 2 years ago but the pain became just too much last winter.  I started doing physical therapy, acupuncture, chiropractor, medicines, ect....  Nothing worked and my pain just got worse.  So much so that the weeds started to grow in my garden, loading the dishwasher was impossible, and trying to get into a got bath was not enjoyable because I couldn't get back out!  Putting on my clothes in the morning was a task.   I decided to go to a specialist to see if there was something they could figure out.  Sure enough they did find the problem.  I have a bone spur that is hitting the nerve on the L4/L5 along with bone on bone junk.  Junk that is what I call the problem!

Anyway I have did all the tests, made all the appointments, have been trying my hardest not to complain of my pain.  I would say my pain is a freaking 10....remember I have a high pain tolerance.  In 1995 I ran a 3.1 mile race on a broken leg and won in Spokane, WA getting ready for nationals.  So when I say my pain is a 10 I am not joking it is crazy intense.  So I have 11 more days until this pain ends!  Which everyone says, "Maggie you are almost there!"  "How wonderful right!"  Yes that is great for the back for sure.  BUT the bigger problem lies ahead.  The recovery.  Again I am not concerned about my back recovery...that will heal.  It is my brain.  Don't forget I have Bipolar.  Bipolar 1 to be exact.  It is very very serious.  Major trauma to the body or life changes cause episodes.  I have tried not to face this truth.  I have been putting it out of my mind all summer and fall.  I like to pretend that I am stronger than Bipolar, that I can control it, that I can tell it not to take my brain away.  But it is there and it can be switched off like a light switch.  It can switch so fast everyone around me even myself don't even realize it until I am gone.  That look in my eyes goes to Zombieland.  It is like the movie Alien.  I get invaded, overrun, and there is not a darn thing I can do but wait until some drug gets me well again.  I talked to Matt last night about it.  He knows how serious this is.  He tried to be positive.  He walked over and hugged me and said it wasn't going to happen this time.  But we both know it can.  We sat and watched my zombie show both knowing I may just be that.  A zombie by Christmas.  As I shuffled my broken body to bed I tried my best to think of my blessings.  Allison was in our bed because she said she wanted to snuggle.  Usually I will take her back to her room but I just let her be.  I felt so safe with Matt on one side and Allie on the other.  With a clear brain I just wanted to enjoy what I had for that moment, my family.