Sunday, April 21, 2013

My 48 Hour Show ~ Maybe Not the Best Idea

It's 9:48 on a Sunday night and the tears are coming down my face like a waterfall.   I am tired. By tired I mean totally mentally exhausted.   I just put on a 48 hour show for my husband and child.  Provided them with laughter, good food, love, kindness, got everyone to church....pretty much the works.   I am a total over achiever I know this.  So when it comes to being a wife and mom I go overboard trying to be the best at both.  So I do get myself in trouble.  I over do it in every way.  I don't know how to balance though.  NEVER HAVE.  I don't just clean one room I clean the entire house top to bottom.

Now everyone is in bed all tucked in and happily sleeping.  I envy both of them.  I meanwhile sit here totally alone in my dark mad mind with feelings of loss and no hope for relief.  I think of death even though I don't want to.  I can feel the pain creeping throughout my veins.  I feel the worlds weight on my shoulders.  I put on too many smiles this weekend.  The pain is so much that if feels like somebody is twisting a knife deep into my back and is killing me slowly.  I know that tomorrow is a new day and it may bring relief but as of right now that seems like an impossible place to get to.  I hate having to do battle every day.  I hate having to pretend that I am just great so everyone can breathe easier around me.  I hate having to put on a show what seems like daily.  If I were to show what really goes on in my brain I would have nothing.  I would probably never get out of my bed, eat, talk, pretty much function in general.  AND so I have no choice to fight which really sucks.

I talked to my mom on the phone earlier.  I told her about all my projects that I had been up too.  I think she can tell I am in immense pain.  I can tell by her voice.  The more I talk about my busy life the quieter she gets and tries to get off the phone.  I don't tell her how bad I have been feeling because why burden her with my mind.  She knows.  That is why she has five different business she runs.  To keep her brain busy so she doesn't worry herself to death over me.  Sad but true.

My husband got into bed tonight and didn't say much.  Usually we talk a little before we fall asleep.  I tried but he said he was too tired.  I told him I didn't feel good.  He said he didn't have time for a bad night and feel fast asleep.  I get it.  I wouldn't want to have time to deal with me either.

In church our pastor talked about that we must endure what pain, challenges, and obstacles that come along in life.  We must look to God during these times.  We must hold out and have more faith than ever.  So right now more than ever I need to remember this lesson I was reminded of today.  I must look to God in the depths of my despair.  Without Him I am lost and having nothing.  But with Him I have a place in Heaven where I will someday have peace.  So that is a battle worth fighting for.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013


Matt told me the other day that I am the strongest person that he knew.  I sure didn't feel like it.  Inside I felt so weak, tired of my brain on over drive, tired of making everyone around me feel good.  I am really good at that one.  Making others laugh and helping others feel fantastic.  I guess it is apart of me.   I have been told that I am a strong person so many times it makes my silly head spin.  See with Bipolar your brain says daily that you are nothing, a loser, that you are worthless.  For someone that doesn't have this illness this is very hard to understand. When you have it though you get this right away.  We think sad thoughts too much even though we would give anything to just have a clear head.  I must say I do love my highs though!  I guess there are positives.  I just need to remember them.  With my energy I can accomplish a lot and create some pretty cool stuff when I am up.  

Bipolar is such a strange illness. It is so complex and so difficult to understand.  It never goes away no matter how hard you try to run from it.  I use to think if I moved to a different town I would leave my illness there.  I would fantasize that I would have a fresh start and no longer be drained from my brain.  But each time I would settle in to my new place my thoughts would surround me with awful ones or on the other side of the spectrum my brain would be going so fast I couldn't make sense of what was going on.  That is when I would find my self getting extremely angry over something and blow up like a firework.  Unfortunately at 37 I still have both extremes of the lows and highs but the good thing is I know how to manage them.  Of coarse every now and then I scream at someone usually somebody close to me which makes it all the more worse.  The hard part is asking for forgiveness!  So hard to realize when you are in the wrong.

So driving home today from dropping off my daughter I thought to myself SO I AM STRONG!  I am a fighter.  A survivor.  I just have to keep telling myself this every day.  I have to remind my brain that I am worth being here.  Say it out loud today.  Yell it to the world that you belong here and are strong.  Keep fighting the fight.