It's 9:48 on a Sunday night and the tears are coming down my face like a waterfall. I am tired. By tired I mean totally mentally exhausted. I just put on a 48 hour show for my husband and child. Provided them with laughter, good food, love, kindness, got everyone to church....pretty much the works. I am a total over achiever I know this. So when it comes to being a wife and mom I go overboard trying to be the best at both. So I do get myself in trouble. I over do it in every way. I don't know how to balance though. NEVER HAVE. I don't just clean one room I clean the entire house top to bottom.
Now everyone is in bed all tucked in and happily sleeping. I envy both of them. I meanwhile sit here totally alone in my dark mad mind with feelings of loss and no hope for relief. I think of death even though I don't want to. I can feel the pain creeping throughout my veins. I feel the worlds weight on my shoulders. I put on too many smiles this weekend. The pain is so much that if feels like somebody is twisting a knife deep into my back and is killing me slowly. I know that tomorrow is a new day and it may bring relief but as of right now that seems like an impossible place to get to. I hate having to do battle every day. I hate having to pretend that I am just great so everyone can breathe easier around me. I hate having to put on a show what seems like daily. If I were to show what really goes on in my brain I would have nothing. I would probably never get out of my bed, eat, talk, pretty much function in general. AND so I have no choice to fight which really sucks.
I talked to my mom on the phone earlier. I told her about all my projects that I had been up too. I think she can tell I am in immense pain. I can tell by her voice. The more I talk about my busy life the quieter she gets and tries to get off the phone. I don't tell her how bad I have been feeling because why burden her with my mind. She knows. That is why she has five different business she runs. To keep her brain busy so she doesn't worry herself to death over me. Sad but true.
My husband got into bed tonight and didn't say much. Usually we talk a little before we fall asleep. I tried but he said he was too tired. I told him I didn't feel good. He said he didn't have time for a bad night and feel fast asleep. I get it. I wouldn't want to have time to deal with me either.
In church our pastor talked about that we must endure what pain, challenges, and obstacles that come along in life. We must look to God during these times. We must hold out and have more faith than ever. So right now more than ever I need to remember this lesson I was reminded of today. I must look to God in the depths of my despair. Without Him I am lost and having nothing. But with Him I have a place in Heaven where I will someday have peace. So that is a battle worth fighting for.
it says 'No Comments'. Must have been ready for mine! One time when I was in a dark place, a doctor told me, "I know you don't feel hope right now. But I have hope FOR you. Could you bring yourself to borrow MY hope?" I did.
ReplyDeleteI realize you wrote this several months ago, and there are days like you had and probably great days later...because that's how they tend to go. In waves. So much that sometimes the better days make a person wonder if those gray/pewter days were really there. Who wants to dwell on those anyway? But when you overdo it and know that's what happened and you feel the hope slipping away, please know that I have hope for you.
You can borrow mine until your returns.
And so you know... my extra hope is in Jesus too. So there is plenty!
I met you only once, but read your book twice. I can't keep up with your sister, but we used to be roommates. I've admired your mom since I met her and she redecorated our hideous flight attendant bathroom. You are all STRONG women...be careful not to let that strength run you, Maggie. I don't have your diagnosis, but I do have to limit my activities too. Drives me nuts to say no. But I get more nuts if Ido not.
Being an inspiration to others doesn't have to mean you are superhuman.
Sincerely,
Bonnie